You've Got Mail. . .and hives

I've realized I have an undiagnosed phobia. I am afraid of my email.

It makes me think of Kathleen Kelly's quote in You've Got Mail: "I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you."

My experience doesn't end as well. Unfortunately, Tom Hanks and I are not corresponding (although I wish he'd return my calls). I find that most of my emails are in some way or another rejection letters. Rejection from jobs, graduate schools, even people! I don't even look forward to checking my email anymore. Unlike Kathleen, my breathing does not seem to catch. I'm usually passed out on the floor.

Sometimes, I wonder if I don't get any email at all, whether I have any worth as a human being. If no one's offering to enlarge my penis, do I still exist? Am I dead like Bruce Willis and Haley Joel Osment just won't tell me?

However, I'm not alone. Others have mentioned to me that they, too, get anxious when they check their email. So I wonder, is email-phobia a growing problem/trend among people? Why haven't scientists delved into this further? With merely everyone having an email address (my technologically-challenged father included), this problem has got to be a growing trend.

I expect a cool name (emailphobia is not going to cut it) and wrist band advocating it soon.